Averia's Journal

Well... It would seem this is an interesting turn of events. Apparently, I am dead, and unable to return home to help my people during the war. I do hope they are ok... Mother and Father are both lying upon their death beds and there are no other heirs... The kingdom will very well fall into ruin with my death it would seem.
I have convinced the people here that I am male, though I do not believe it proves much a point seeing as everyone here is treated the same regardless. It is different, knowing that my world was purely Matriarchal... I haven't spent enough time around them to truly understand any of them, but I do hope to bond with at least a few of them. I have met a few, though I feel I must talk to them more before I form anymore opinions on them...
There is little else I feel to write, nothing significant has happened, so I shall wait and see how this world plays out for me, though I am unsure of what will happen.

The time I've spent here has been most interesting to say the least. I've made friends with a lot of people here, though I am still a bit of a stranger in general. I must say I do find Komali and Illium an adorable couple, even with the idea of marriage so soon. They have asked me and Shizue to make their wedding cake, which I am kind of excited about. I do hope it comes out well, though I can't be sure, namely with Shizue's apparent cooking skills *shudders*. Most of the other people I am friends with, mostly after the removal of my male guise, not that it was really appropriate, though there are a specific few that I have a much more... Interesting relationship. Most notibley is Routier. Her irrationality has driven me to the brink of madness within my own bearings. Her inability to think for herself and allow that monster to do her thinking makes me cringe, seeing as my own society would have stricken her down for such spinelessness. Alas, I cannot blame her, though I still find it no means of right for her to do such things. I do hope she comes around to see the harm the monster is bringing to the town... And to Shizue as well. I deeply care for her, although I wish not to pursue anything further than a light friendship. I do not want to step on her relations with Reiko and Routier... Though it is saddening.
There of course... Was the encounter with Lionel tonight. I did not anticipate such bold actions from a Knight of the Church. It has flustered me, more than I had anticipated. I can't believe I was so quick to leave, after all of that. Oh well... It is for another night

Things are starting to seem a lot nicer here now. I've started to make friends with some more of of the people around, and actually ended up sparking up a little more with Ymir. He may be a bit arrogant, but it's adorable regardless. I find it amusing that he's so straight forward, whereas none of the men from my previous life were nearly as such. Being like Ymir would have been much less ideal than anything, though I've always tried to look for it. Maybe that's why I was so dissatisfied with my world, because it was so... Unequal? I have no idea anymore...

Well, most of the week has been spontaneous gathering and wandering around the camp aimlessly. Ymir and I have both moved into the house with Illium and Komali, though they rarely seem to be inside it, and either way, I still walk around camp in thought most of the time. The rain has been nice. It reminds me of the gentle rains of my kingdom's springs, even if these storms were a little more violent. I do miss my kingdom still, thought the conversation with Shira helped greatly, even if there wasn't much reassurance from her, it was nice to finally get it out and tell someone about it... I do like her though, she seems nice, though the maid getup is pretty annoying in my opinion... Maybe I can teach her to be a little more free spirited.

Another week has passed in which I have done little more than sit around camp and watch people go about their business. I should really talk more with the people, I might make a friend or two. I haven't talked much with Ymir since the whole body swap incident. That's more of my own fault though, not anything wrong with him. I think this upcoming week I'll try to interact a little more with everyone if I can, since I definitely know I haven't really talked with anyone that much to be honest. Maybe I can even find someone to spar with a little bit. That would definitely be a little fun seeing as I've picked up a new weapon, this wand. It certainly makes a difference in my magic, I can feel it. I can even blast enemies with it, so that's a plus too. Maybe at some point I can find a way to make it work like a sword or something... Hmm... That would be pretty awesome.

Wow, what a fight. That was some seriously intense stuff last night, what with the thing stopping me from casting spells and then just destroying me... At least I got a few good strike in, I'm sure everyone appreciated it, although I'm not sure I can pull off that kind of suicide bomber plan again later. We'll have to see. Illium took some pretty nasty hits too, seemed like he was weaker against the monster's element, which sucks quite a bit. I managed to drop the Boltnara twice though, so that's good. The wedding was cute today too, I could tell Illium and Komali were pretty happy, and it was rather humorous to here them saying something other than I do. Seems just like them to do such a thing, and Lionel's reaction was priceless~
On a more personal note though... I'm thinking about Ymir and I's relationship... It just doesn't feel quite so right. I know he said he loves me, but I feel like we might have pushed things a little too far too fast. I think I might need a break. I do like him, but it's just weird. I don't know... I'll have to see over the next few weeks really.

Well then, this has been a series of odd events...
To start, Ymir and I broke up, which I suppose is better since we hardly spent much time together and the relationship felt more physical than anything. That may have been my fault I guess. It's in the past now though, so I wont dwell on it. I have now picked up the use of a staff and a tome. Both seem to be holding up rather well, though my magic has decreased in power slightly now, but I can feel more magical energy coursing through my body, and the tome seems to shelter me from Light magic rather well along with other forms while healing me slightly when I read its text. The Tome has taken a bit of time to Decipher, but I feel as though I am on the right track. Lionel has also picked a tome, which intrigues me, but I wont question it, he may do as he wishes.
On another note, I feel like I am finally starting to get through to Tsuzune. The crazy rabbit has finally stopped (or so I think) trying to kill me just because of my specialization in dark magic. I still do not respect her much though, regardless of her view of me, nor will I ever at any rate if she doesn't stop with the holy shrine maiden act. She is no purer than any of us, but she can continue to play pretend all she wants. Even the holiest of beings must fall eventually.
I have also started training John in magic, though I do not feel any real progress happening, nor do I anticipate it. He is still wound up on that Mace of his, so I fear he will never be able to unlock his true potential...

My god, what the hell is wrong with me? I came into Travis like that so easily, can. I not control how I feel anymore? Am I powerless over even my own emotions? I guess this proves I was never meant to be a leader of the fleet... Or in any shape to be the queen of my kingdom. God dammit! I can't accept this... Not yet at least. I do like him though, and it annoys me seeing Tsuzune so hopelessly trying to win him I've with this "true love" bullshit. The woman obviously can't see he doesn't want anything to do with her, but I suppose she'll learn that the hard way. 
Also everyone seems to be so caught on the fact that it seems like we're forgetting something, though I don't really care. It doesn't feel very important to me, so why should I? Whatever. That prank was quite a bit of fun though, up till Routier showed up and crashed our cwlebration.... Stupid cow needs to learn when to back off.

Dear God I'm tired as hell... That boss really wore me out, what with all the damn damage that went through my shield and even my armor. I can't believe how much health that thing had either, it's insane. In glad I at least helped a little bit. Switching out with Illium was probably a pretty good idea though. He took down the thing pretty fast afterward. Enough of that though... I guess I really want to write about travis. I've been getting closer to him, or at least that's what it feels like. Maybe that's just me being crazy like with Ymir, but I don't know. It feels... Different around him. I feel a lot happier, I know that. I have no way of telling if he feels the same way though, which sucks quite a bit because. Want to know so bad. Maybe I can find out some time, but I don't want to give him the wrong message or possibly drive him away... Maybe I should just stand back for a bit and let things go as they wish for a little while. One of the issues with all of this is Treelite too... I have no idea how I really feel about him, but I'm more than certain he has no feelings farther than being a friend for me. again, I have no way to tell, and it bothers me to no end, yet I must deal with it... Oh well I suppose, here we wait longer to see how this twisted life takes its course.

I've started thinking about that last boss monster we fought... Was I really leading that team, or was it just me parading around like I knew what I was doing..? It didn't feel like it, nor did I want it to... I can't lead this shit, I can't lead anything. I already know what happens when I lead... And really, it happened again, I failed. Just like in the war before all of this. I was stupid, careless, and I fell before it was over. Why can't I just be strong... Why can't I keep up a fight when people depend on me to lead? Do the others think any less of me after that? I haven't really left my house to find out, nor do I honestly... It makes me...[Smeared writing]
I can't let my emotions get to me, lest I wish to fall again. I just have to keep trying I guess, but how can I try if I just know I will fail again..?
I need to talk to Travis... Well, more like I WANT to talk to Travis. I haven't seen him in a while, so it'd be nice to have a friendly conversation again for once. I haven't talked to Treelite either, which would be equally as nice. He always has something amusing going on, or to do, which is always nice. Yeah. Definitely need to get out of the house more, maybe even practice my magic a bit more. That new girl seems pretty nice, though lazy it seems. I think we'll get along pretty well later~ Though it is pretty apparent I suck at fishing... Eh... I won't dwell on that.

This week has been pretty interesting for me. I got to spend a little more time with Tree, though it was more in the form of him harassing me and vice versa. It was still nice in any form. I can't entirely recall the events of the truth or dare game though... I think he carried me back to my room? Regardless, I was in bed the next morning, so I'd prefer that he actually did more than anything. I hope I didn't say anything too absurd, though I do remember calling him adorable somewhere in the stretch... I should really lay off the alcohol during those kinds of things. I'll probably talk to him later about it, if he even remembers.
The staff Lionel made me is pretty nice. It's obviously got some kind of spike in it that Val's normally didn't have. I'll have to run it by Hotaru to get it upgraded the rest of the way. I guess that would be the best opportunity to talk to him about the nights events as well... I guess I've got nothing better to do.

So, we can have children in this world. How wonderful... Seeing Komali and Illium have children is actually really refreshing with all the crazy shit some of the other couples and groups are doing. They seem like the most "normal", even with their weird little quirks. Like I'm one to talk though. Those babies are absolutely adorable though. I really do look forward to watching them. Maybe one will be attuned to magic like me~. I could probably get Tree to help me too, but I think he's still getting over actually birthing them. Poor guy, but he's the only one who could have really done it. I don't understand what the hell Routier's problem was though. That bitch needs to learn when to back off, and it wasn't even like I was trying to be rude, but she wouldn't leave when I asked. She seriously has no consideration for Komali's well being. I understand she wants to be there and make sure she's ok, but Komali just had kids. She needed the rest, not for a fatass cow to come in and crush her and the babies. I think Lionel eventually let her in, but it reeked a bit of puke when I got back. If that cow did what I though she did, I'll deal with her later...

This week had been... Pretty nice actually. More so than most of the other time I've spent here. I feel a lot closer than Hotaru, and it's kinda nice having him around to sleep with. He's actually really warm. But in all seriousness, I've never really enjoyed someone's company so much, even if it is mostly with us both passed out and hardly actually talking to eachother. He doesn't seem to mind either, which is equally nice. Having him with me during that struggle thing was... Good. I don't think I could have gotten around that without him. In a sense he protected me, and it made me feel a little less lost in this world. It sounds a little over dramatic, but having someone that close and that caring is interesting, in a really nice way. He's way too sweet though. I feel like I should have watched that movie, though I was just too tired to stay awake. I'm just glad he let me sleep on him for the time being, and it was more than amusing having him carry me back to my house. I didn't really expect him to do it, but it was nice. I'm starting to learn a little more aboyt my magic too, though not too much. I'm learning more efficient ways to keep my energy going longer in battle, though I still sacrifice a lot of my defensive properties for it. I know for a fact I can actually strike enemies and drain their own mana to use as my own, which will help greatly later. I've also managed to propel my spells through my staff with my attacks, which also helps with my mana usage. It's all coming together now, and I feel like I might be a lot more use to everyone with each day I practice.