Komali's Journal

1/29/14

If there is one thing I have learned about my new home is that it absolutely sucks. The locale itself is ok, very bland with few things to chase and no moon to light my nights. The sky doings are normal and overall just here. It shouldn't exist but it does. The camp is poor with a ton of people that are awkward and lazy but incredibly strong, which is why it is worthwhile to earn their trust and attention. Survival in this bizarre location may depend on my bonds with them as there are numerous monsters far larger than the big birds and giant dogs that lived in my previous home.
I do miss my home... I even miss the crunchy food that my two leg, er, human would provide to add to the diet I provided for myself and them. I miss the sharp tang of the road mixing with the scent of the rosebushes that those mice would hide under! 
But that is past. This is now. 
To survive here means to deny myself enjoyment as a cat. You see, I am no longer a cat. I am a human AND a cat but these other "anthros" here seem to act human rather than as their animal counterparts. It's immensely disconcerting and an affront to nature but I have to cave to what they want. For them to reject me because of something like the way I act? Absurd. I have control over my doings and that will be the best way to win their favor. 
It saddens me that this new resolve of mine to do more human things has actually put a dent in one of my relationships. 
Illium, a squirrel human, has been immensely useful to me and has provided a number of important things including a small house they call a tent as well as companionship that I so desperately needed. Unfortunately, my doings as a cat included using him for warmth but that is not a human doing so I had to stop. Humans do not share sleeping spots with any other than their family or mates which leads me to believe that mates have more meaning to humans. I have had many mates but I did not share my sleeping spot with them nor did I even need to know their name nor give them any of my lookings and doings aside from the mate. It is troublesome is what it is. 
I am not sure what I think of Illium. I was sure that I was using him to satisfy my needs but upon learning that we cannot share a sleeping spot I felt so strange... my chest was aching terribly and I could feel the water come to my eyes. Not enough to pain them but enough to make my vision wavy like looking through the clear wall at my House. To look at him seemed painful so I left the tent he had made for us. I will have to ask about these strange pains. 
Ah, perhaps in my musings I should describe the others that are here in these tents. 
Our leader is Reiko, though my now human mouth cannot yet say her whole name. Hard sounds do not come to my lips very easy and I fear that my inability to express myself has made me appear child-like or foolish to them. The word is idiot I have learned. Reiko among them treats me as a child though she seems to enjoy that image of me so I have not corrected her or any of them for that matter. She is a dog human but she does not act dog which I am grateful for. I have known very few dogs that were kind to cats but Reiko is a good leader. 
Then there is Shizue which is impossible for these lips to say and so I call her coon. The deerlord, Ymir taught me to call her that and she does not correct me so it must be right. I feel like of all in the camp Shizue treats me the most like a child and even calls me strange names from time to time which I do not mind. Perhaps these names are a title like some of the others have. Regardless I find her loving but useless. She is not strong and is poor at speaking. When I ask her questions to advance my own learning she changes colors and loses her ability to speak clearly. Perhaps I have some mysterious power over her that causes her to change in my presence. 
I have mentioned Ymir, the deerlord. I believe that is what he is, a deerlord human though I have not seen a deerlord before. He has trees that grow out of his head that are fun to climb and hang things from but that is a cat act and I cannot play with him anymore. I do not like him very much. He is very useful and likes to please me but it does not stop him from being mean. He tricked me into thinking that there was a thing biting my rump when it was him poking me with his bow. If it had not been for Illium I would have believed that the thing was loose in camp forever. 
There is a Sera here. I am told that is a title meaning she is a leader of humans though I do not know why they need so many leaders when Reiko is already the leader. I do not know what animal she is but she acts human and speaks funny. She uses long words many of which I understand but cannot say though they seem to enjoy if I pretend I do not know them. There are many I do not know but they like when I do not know any of them. Oh her name is Valinea. I have told you about her but not her name! We have only talked once and she told me many things that seem silly to me but she is so proud when she talks of them and she is very strong and has no fear. I think I am in awe of her and my human side seems to see her as a leader.... Hm. It may be wise of me to get closer to her. 
Although Routier, another animal I do not know, seems to be spending a lot of time with Val. I do not like Routier she acts very strange. One moment she is as weak and sad as a mewling kitten but the next she is making great tools and using a large metal object to create massive things that she takes to fight monsters with. It is very strange. When she is not looking for something to kill she is whining about things and her doings are more child-like than I. Perhaps that is why she likes blood. Kittens enjoy hunting more than cats do. Little humans must enjoy the taste of their kill more than the big humans. 
There is another cat here as well named Nacht though she is far more big than I am and her face is bigger. She is a cat but not a cat if that makes sense. Perhaps I will ask her sometime what she is. I like her a lot. Nacht is rarely around she sleeps like a cat though more than I but she is not full of fear and is instead very happy and it shows. When I am near her I feel happy and more like I want to do things. 
I have much to learn still but I think I have won them over I just need to keep them and learn more ways to please them so I will not be chased away.

2/10/14

I know the last time I was here I gave you the complete rundown but so much has happened it may be better to just tell you the big things. 
The biggest thing is that I am now engaged to Illium~! I don't REALLY know what it means but I DO know that it involves a promise to stay with Illium forever and I thought I had already made that promise! I guess there is supposed to be a big party at least? SOmething like that. 
Then we finished the ship that is really boring with a funny name and went and killed a big monster... well, I did not help. I went black really fast... I... I will have to tell you more tomorrow... This is really hard.


(wrong account, this is Komali)

2/16/14
 
I am still thinking all of this since I still do not know how to write but I AM learning. I am learning a LOT of stuff.
Lionel, the Sir, is teaching me how to be a good human and stuff like new words, colors, shapes, and the names of things. Like the sky fur, it is actually called clouds! Then there is Nacht. I can not say her name out loud, it is too hard to make my mouth work like that but I am practicing. Nacht taught me more about mating but Illium had to tell me that a lot of the stuff she said was not right. Larisa has been teahing me too! She took me to a place called a bath where there is a a lot of water. Sayo took me there first and I did NOT like it but that is how humans stay clean so I tried again and Larisa was very nice and teach me to swim and about tickles and about bubbles! Bubbles are these round things that float around.
Then there are new places to go gather too. I got to make one but I think the thing that makes places saw the wrong thing in my head. I tried to make a place like the river but it made my home. The home that I died on. I did not think I was bothered by dying. Being here is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I would not have met Illium if I had not died but I saw that road and got so scared. I have been practicing hiding how I feel and I think that no one saw that I was so scared but that road…. I do not want to go back there again.
I like to gather things but there is a lot to do in camp too. Coon and the funny thing, Avvy, can make a lot of food and they are going to try to make a cake for the wedding. I do not know what cake is but it is sweet they say. I want to try it very badly.
I am glad that the wedding is still going. Illium spends more time with his plants than me sometimes. I thought maybe that he did not love me but now I think that he has not been feeling good. He has done a lot of sleeping. He make it up to me by making love in the bath… I hope the others do not find out.
There was also stuff last night. I do not remember a lot of it but I DO remember getting a drink of something really yucky and then nothing. I think there was some water later and I think I remember Illium kissing me. It was kind of funny. I think that I want to try that stuff again so that I can practice remembering things.
 
Komali
 

Also, here is the writing that I practice:

2/23/14
 
Hi again, it is me, Komali.
I feel like a lot happens all the time and it is too hard for me to tell about everything that happens. I say that every week though. This week I just tell you about the big things.
Illium has been getting very good at doing other things. He is good at making stuff all around and so I have been helping him get better. The cow does not like it much but she needs help and so Illium is helping even if she does not see that. We have not done ANY wedding stuff this week which is sad but that is ok. Illium sleeps a lot and I do not think he really wants to be married. Maybe he is not ready yet.
There is always stuff about the cow Rou. She is just very stupid and does not seem to want to be NOT stupid… There is much I could say about her but I would just get mad.

Oh! I got a new cat tree~ Reiko made it and it had moving parts and was very nice and I have been sleeping on it at night because I love it so much! This week there is a lot of things for Komali. There is even a new person that does what I say and calls me Master! I think that I like it here much better than my home where I come from.

3/2/14
 
This was a very big week for the camp. We got three new people and it rained. I can not express how much I hate the rain and the storm that followed. All it did was make me muddy and miserable though Illium does not seem to mind it as much. He says it is refreshing. It did make the plants happy though.
I have been making plants like Illium. I think it would be easier to spend more time with him if I do that. He is not a very loving lover but that is ok. I know that he is still a little afraid and this is hard for him. I think I might be able to get him to be more open with me though.
I am still learning a lot though Lionel has my practice page and I cannot play the violin for a journal. Perhaps tomorrow I will show you my writing! It is coming along very well.
 

Komali

3/8/14
 
I feel like a lot of things happen but I do not really care about them enough to talk about them. Or I forget really fast…
Let me think. Oh! I almost caught that bee! There was a potion that made me take Ymir’s body and wow is magic fun. He is very, very strong and I felt so powerful! I almost caught that bee but Ymir was in my body and I could not catch him to make him tell me where the bee went. It was very annoying but I am back in my body now and I even have a brand new bow that I love so much! It has made me very strong!
Hm, I have a new dress! It is not a wedding dress and it is hard to walk in it but I feel cute when I wear it and everyone calls me pretty when I wear it, it is certainly very exciting. I can not wait for the wedding dress. Ymir says it will be even better than the one I already have! I just can not wait until the wedding! It is supposed to be very big and I am very, very excited about it!
Illium and I have been doing a good job getting to know each other better too. We talked a lot about how to fight and he showed me how to use a dagger. We just practiced with sticks which was good because Illium hits pretty hard. He is a lot stronger and smarter than me but I think if we ever use bows I will win! I am going to practice with my stick and get a lot better so I can beat him. Maybe Shizue will give me some tips. She uses daggers too after all!
 

Komali

3/15/14
 
I am starting to see why the snow is ok. Humans don’t seem to mind the cold much cause they think of other things while they are getting wet instead. Like today we made walls out of the snow and then made balls that we throw at each other! I have never seen Illium so happy and he was smiling and laughing a lot. I think that he is getting better at not being afraid. All this week he was happy and seemed content. I like that a lot. He still does some mean things. Like he taught me about snow by making me stand in it! I was cold and did not like it but I know that he loves me so I will trust him more.
There is another new person! A big cat like Sir Lionel! I wonder if that means they are brothers.
I think that is all for this week. There was not a lot happening which is good. I like just being without all the monster mess.
 
Komali

3/23/14
 
Hello again mystery person that everyone seems to write to. Lionel says it is a good idea to keep talking to you so I will.
Anyway, there are some good things that happened this week starting with my wedding! We finally got married and I have been so, so happy. I love Illium a lot so it made sense to make my vows to him.
Then there was the thing with Rou. We finally got to be friends because I was sick and she had to take care of me sort of. I think I finally convinced her that I want to be her friend and now she is mine too.
Then there is a new person in camp named Tree who is teaching me how to be a ninja. That means being very sneaky which I hope will help me finally beat Illium in a spar fight.
Speaking of Illium, I have learned that he is not good for learning things. He taught me cuss words but I heard him talking to Lionel about being harsh and I really don’t like that so in the future I  am just going to ask someone else if I have trouble with something.
Oh I guess there was  a big upset thingy but it was not a very big deal. It barely did anything to me and I was very strong.
 

Komali

4/8/14

We have another new person named Bey and I can't decide if I like her or not. I enjoy new people sure but she is already super comfortable and making herself at home which is getting a lot of attention. Even Illium seems very engrossed in her and he's been learning how to play music from her. I kind of wish I had been the one to teach him. 
On the other hand I like that Bey got him to show an interest in music. He didn't seem all that interested when it was just me playing the violin but the idea of more instruments is making him want to show his weak spot. It was kind of nice to see that there was something that he was not good at. It was proof that he is not perfect and while that is kind of a scary thought it makes me feel better about myself knowing that I don't have too much farther to go before I can hopefully catch up to him. 
Bey also made Ymir act a little mean and that is not ok. Sera and Reiko do all the talking for new people but Ymir kept trying to talk to Bey! When I asked him to stop he splashed water at me! Then we got into a fight and he kept using that magic to cheat. It's extremely annoying.
Then there's Tree who is ok but he teases me a lot. I am clearly better than him bu he insists that being strong isn't important if you can just hide. 

There's a new thing in the areas now. Reiko met someone from her past life and Illium said that these areas can show us our darkest secrets and fears. I didn't think I had any fears but recently things have been... different. 
It started with the area I made two times ago that looked like my old home. I stepped right out onto where I died and that scared me so badly but I got over it so I am not sure if that still counts as a fear. Then Ymir found my mouse and made me realize that I DO have a fear and a secret but I am not sure if I should tell anyone. I still am not completely sure what to think of it. The more I remember the more that fear becomes real. 
I have to just focus on the now. That is what cats do! They don't care what happened already, just what is going to happen! 

Komali

4/12/14
 
I have been trying very, very hard to be more like a cat but I think that some of the others have noticed. Reiko told me that I need to me more happy but it is hard to be a cat and be so friendly at the same time. Cats are not afraid of anything but I have to admit it, I AM afraid.
I am afraid that I might have a fear and it is starting to become more clear what it is. I still have to think about it but I keep getting these memories of my home before and some of the things I did and didn’t care about because I was a cat. It is making my mouse less of a toy and more of a fear I can hold.
I don’t like feeling this way so I am learning more from Tree. I want to work with Lionel too but I heard them talking about me and arguing about the “right” way for me to learn. I am not sure there even IS a wrong way but Shizue said that I have to just listen to my heart. That seems kind of stupid since hearts can’t talk but maybe I am just understanding things wrong.
Either way, I have to get stronger. The others do these weird moves in battle that are far stronger than just me using my bow. I am hoping that learning from Tree will help cause I just keep falling farther and farther behind Illium.
Illium is doing ok I guess. I haven’t talked to him in a very, very long time and we don’t spend a lot of time together. I guess we go gathering but I am too busy thinking to talk when we go out. I think if something were wrong he would tell me. He is not a cat so he has no reason to lie to me but he is also a man of few words and I just have to remember that he still loves me no matter what.
I also think that I must be a very good actor. Illium doesn’t suspect that I am so scared of things which is good. I don’t want ANYONE to know that I might be afraid. Especially since I am not completely sure what I am afraid of but everyone has a struggle here I guess and I have to figure out mine. If I can fix it on my own, no one will ever have to look down on me or think any less of me. That is also why I have to work harder no matter how painful.
When I say painful I mean actually painful. I think that Tree likes causing pain because he did not waste anytime rubbing glass and sand into my eyes and then holding me in the water to try and clean them out.
Despite how mean he can be I spend more time with Tree than Illium or Rou or anyone else and Tree is very, very smart. Maybe I ask him for help, even if it means telling him that I am scared maybe he can teach me how to hide it and then I won’t have to tell Illium and worry him. This way everyone wins, I take care of my fear and don’t need the tough love, Tree still teaches me and does not stop being my teacher, and Illium will have no reason to look down on me, maybe he will even be proud!
I am also working very, very hard on the violin. Illium is learning from Bey and Bey is a very good music player. I don’t like the way he looks at her and gets excited about learning. I don’t see why everyone likes her.
 

Komali

4/18/14
 
This week was a busy one. I finally found my struggle and learned what I am afraid of, being left behind.
I think it started when I was a little kitten, I watched my mom and siblings leave. I confronted myself, like an actual other me came and talked to me. It tried to convince me to be completely cat but Tree, Routier, and Illium came and convinced me otherwise.

Speaking of Illium, he has been a lot more active lately. It’s incredibly nice to see him about and we’ve played some games and laughed a bit. I hope it stays this way. I like it.

4/27/14
 
Dear diary thing… I am sorry I really am not in the mood to be formal and write pretty. I just woke up today and learned that for a week no one knew that I was gone. I should say more about that. I guess I fell asleep or something for a whole week and while I was gone everyone forgot that I was alive.
This is exactly what I was afraid of and it happened….

I still have not seen Illium. I am afraid to go to him. What if he still does not know who I am?

5/4/14
 
Hi again. It has been a week right? Seven days? Yeah I think I’m getting this time thing down.
The biggest thing that happened was that Illium had his past thing. I saw him in a lot of pain and it was probably the scariest moment of my life. I didn’t know that he had been holding so much in. We talked about it later and he told me all about what had happened and I told him about the things I was hiding. I thought he would hate me but I think he still loves me a lot. At least he said that what’s in the past stays in the past.
Even so I didn’t tell him everything. I told him I killed the kittens but I didn’t tell him that I ate some them. As a cat it was my way to live but as a human it still feels odd to remember that. I did not eat all of the kittens but I ate enough to feel bad now. It’s not good as humans to eat each other I guess and even as a cat it was gross. Cats don’t taste good but I still did it and I don’t think Illium could forgive that. Even after what he said about the past in the past.

I think that he should just never need to know.

5/11/14
 
Hello again. It is me, Komali. I just wanted to fill you in on the week and practice my writing. A lot has happened this week and I think a lot of it is really hard to talk about but it is important to say some of it.
The first thing is about the kittens. Susu has been asking me about having kittens but I don’t want them. I know that I will be a bad mom because I don’t get the feelings around kittens. The kittens that I told Illium about. They died because I could not think of them as kittens. If I don’t get the feeling to take care of kittens why would it be different if they were mine? Shizue says that we are not like our moms so I don’t think my mom leaving me would make me leave my kittens but I still don’t think I could do it.
Susu kept trying to tell me that I was wrong for not wanting kittens and I told her why I could not have them. I told her about the ones that I killed and the one that I chewed on for food but she did not seem to care that it is so hard for me. She just wants a kitten so badly that she wants to push me into having one. Even knowing the truth she believes in me but I don’t know if she really thinks I can do it, or if she wants to take my kitten for herself. She keeps saying she will care for it but if I do have kittens I have to take care of them so I won’t be like my mom or like the cat that I was.
The other thing is Tree. I learned his real name is Tree Light How Tar You but I am not allowed to tell anyone but Illium. He says that names like that are really, really important and he doesn’t want anyone to know about his. I found out when I stole his letters so I was not going to know. He says I am a friend but not a very good one. I know that he wants to go back to his old life too. He was really sad last night when the trace dad god said that we can’t go back. I don’t know why he says we are not friends when he does so much for me. When Susu got mean he almost killed her to try and protect me. I did not like that but it confused me. If we are not friends why did he change so much like that? His eyes even changed color and he seemed very, very scary. I could tell he wanted to kill something.
I have not talked to Illium really since I told him my secret. I think that he is just tired again but I do hope he is not mad at me because he DID say that it was ok… Maybe I tell him the truth. I thought he would be more proud than sad about being a killer since that is what he was but the more I think about it the more I think what I said was worse.
I do like to kill mice and birds, that is very fun, but killing other cats was… not as fun. I think it should be since Illium thought killing others of his kind was fun but it really was not. Hm.
Killing is different here though. When we were alive if you killed someone then they did not get up but here we cannot die so it is less of a big deal. I think that because of that it is easier to kill someone who is hurt than to use things that we made or gathered. I wish there were mice and birds to kill. I do miss using my claws.
 

Komali

5/25/14
 
Hello.
Not a lot has happened for things but a lot has happened for talking and a lot of learning. I will start with the learning.
I wanted to get good at using my claws again, so I did. I have learned how to use my claws as a weapon here. It is not as good as using my bow but it is still nice to use my claws like that again. I also have gotten good at making my temper help me fight. When I get really, really angry I just put that angry into my fighting and it makes me faster and stronger but it IS a little harder to avoid some of the monster attacks.
The talking thing… Well I talked more to Susu and I don’t like her. She keeps talking about babies and I keep telling her that I do not want them. She got Illium in to talk too and I did not like THAT but he was good and told her all the things that I was saying so I think she will leave me a lone a little bit longer. I think that I was most upset that she said I was afraid! I am NOT afraid of kittens! I know now that I will not leave them if I have them but I do not think I am ready but I am NOT scared at all.
I think that Illium is happier now days. He seemed VERY happy last night after talking to John and he promised that he would wake up and spend more time with me from now on.
 

Komali

6/1/14
 
Illium and I talked and we are very happy again. We talked for a long time the other night about all kinds of things including my dreams.
That other me keeps visiting in my dreams and telling my things that are not good. She keeps saying that I will be a bad mother and that I am already a bad human. We talked a lot in the house that I was left in as a young cat, the place where I killed the kittens. She kept telling me that I would just end up there again and I should be a cat so that I won’t care when it does happen again but I won’t let her say those things. It is very hard to tell myself she is not saying the truth but talking to Illium makes me know that I am going to prove that she is wrong.
I WILL be a good mother!
 

Komali

6/8/14
 
Well, it happened a lot faster than I thought it would, but Illium and I have two babies. I gave birth to twins, one boy squirrel and one girl cat. Cadence is the girl and she cries a lot. Oliver is the boy. He’s very quiet like his dad but he IS a bit of a kicker. I think he was the one that was kicking inside my belly the most.
I am very, very relieved that I have the mother thoughts. I love my beautiful babies more than anything else and even that other me has not visited since they were born. Illium has barely left my side and I have had a few visitors but otherwise I spend all my time with them, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Speaking of sleep, I need to keep this short, the babies need to eat again even though my boobs are so sore. I hope that they can eat other food soon because I don’t think I can make enough milk for them at this rate. They always sleep best right after they eat which means that is the best time for me to sleep too.
I am hoping that I will be able to take them outside soon. I miss the sun and talking to everyone.
 

Komali

6/15/14
 
Hello again!
I have so many things that I want to talk about but I’m falling asleep writing this so I’ll try to keep it short and just tell you about my favorite parts. We did fight a really strong person this week but my favorite things have actually been the time I have spent with my babies and the others in town. Now that the big person has been beaten, Illium hasn’t had any trinkets to make. I think that he is relieved to have a break and he has spent a lot of it playing with the babies. We even went and ate some food out in the training field so the babies could feel the grass. Cadence can even sit up on her paws and knees! Illium helped her get up and she started to crawl a little before she fell down again.

I actually am very happy that Illium has been watching the babies. I was scared at first when he suggested taking them out so I could sleep. I don’t want them to think I left them the way my mother left me but I trust Illium so much and it has been SOOOOOOO nice to sleep for so long. That actually sounds good right now…

6/29/14
 

Hello again, it’s been awhile. I guess I’ve been so busy with the kids and with Illium. We’ve been spending a lot of time together raising the kids. I kind of miss being out in the zones though. I gathered a little bit this week but most of the time I have just been training my voice. I want to learn how to sing better so that I can sing to Oliver and Cadence. I still think about Ruby and Shizue singing them to sleep so well and I want to be able to do that.  I need to learn more songs though. Right now I only know the one that John taught me and the song is not good for putting people to sleep. It’s good for laughing and having fun though. I can play the violin part but it’s still hard to do them at the same time. I think that I want to practice that song more. If I can make people happy, I think that will make me happy.