Shiravella's Journal

2/24/2014

Dear Master Charlovet, I hope that I am not concerning you with my absence. It's been too long since I've been gone, but I still miss being in your presence. Still, I feel rather incomplete -- moving out of your life and into this new one, where many new people I've yet to serve greet me, trying to bring me to their level. However, I am never going to see myself as more than a maid. Albeit, I can no longer be your maid and give you what you wished for in your day-in, day-out routine, I hope that we may one day meet again, so I may be by your side once more. Until then, I'll take your words to heart and continue on, but I'm not strong enough yet to stand on my own.

The people of this world are amusing, to say the least. I've yet to learn everyone's names, but I think that with time, I will be able to be of a great use to all here, and maybe my relevance will be spared and my on actions kept in check. I do not know if I'm scared of myself or what I'm capable of, but that is something that will show, too, with time.

3/3/2014

Dear Master Charlovet,

It's impossible to get back, isn't it? I figured that was the case, all I can do is keep moving forward along with the new masters. I feel like there is so much I could help with, yet, I need only to find the time to do so. I've learned quite a bit about this world. In a way, it's much like my own in regards to some of the natural circumstances that befall us here, but I feel like things move rather quickly. Well, aside from the last few days which have been rainy.

The rain, it reminds me of you greatly: those days you stood by the balcony window looking out to the clouds as the rain poured along the panes of the many sections in the door, as if you were wishing to be washed away with the rain. I can understand that feeling some times, master. I wish I could have been swept along with you, but I fear I was swept away by the tides of death's wake rather the rain.

Perhaps I am a bit too...melodramatic, as they say? But I will not protest. I am trying my best to understand the people here. Some of them still do not seem accustomed to my maid-ship, but I pray I do not have to give my reasons for it. I want to make sure I am in check and do not act out of line, as I once did back in my own world. You know very well why I choose to obey, rather than act of my own will. I have, indeed, too many things to hide, but I feel that my stern face will help hide it.

Only time can tell what will become of me, but I hope it is not the person I wish I wasn't.

3/17/2014

Dear Master Charlovet,

Where is your warm embrace? This rabbit watches the snow fall as she remembers the time we spent together -- your commanding embrace as you chose me to partake in your dangerous game of love... Once of flesh and now of fur, still I wish to carry out your command. Though, my hold on my own mind may slip without my control being held, what if I soon go back to the dreaded girl I left into the past?

No... I don't want to go back.

Perhaps I may partake in sculpture once more, as it will remind me of the simpler times...

That doesn't sate my passion for you at all though -- it may remind me of you even more and your deep seated appreciation for the work with my hands.

What shall I do?

3/28/2014

Dear Master Charlovet,

It seems odd of me to write something about this to you, seeing what we've done together....but I've always been curious about marriage. It just doesn't feel as though I would be one to be picked to be someone's eternal lover, despite the little game me and you played. It is difficult to get over the image of myself being that demented girl who killed so many of her own loved ones, and with not enough control -- unlike with you, how would I ever guarantee that love will not do, to me and the one to be, apart?

Perhaps I'm being a little too sentimental thinking about it, but love always just seemed to be something out of reach without my personal demons taking me aback.

I'm trying my hardest to be a loyal servant to these citizens here, and perhaps one of them will give me the change to experience a love akin to your commanding presence.

I yearn for it so...

4/14/2014

Dear Master Charlovet,

It yearns for it. That desire I have so deeply inside me... yes.

They understand now... I need their commands... just like you once commanded me. I must keep myself clean amidst the bloodshed. I'm trying so hard to stay chaste, but I feel like I may slip if I'm not careful...

But perhaps I am worrying more than I should. You always gave me the confidence I needed. I was a little bunny coddled by your secure and demanding embrace. I lived for you and only you. After all, where else did I have to go? I walked a path stained in blood of the people who once loved me, but you were a home to me to stay. My safety... my control... order... yes...

I do like order.

There is a girl, and she tells me of a maid she once had. I was eager to server her -- nobility, perhaps even like yourself. Though she is young, and I'm afraid I cannot connect close to her as I once did with you. Of course, how could anyone? You knew me best, Master. She is so very light, though... but I do tend to her like one of your own household. Though, I fear she may be trying to draw connections to me where she lacks understanding. I would not want this girl to misjudge my intentions though...

Mmm... but that doesn't change anything, Master. I'll keep myself under control as best I can, and think of you when I put my effort forth.

4/22/2014

Dear Master Charlovet,

The days pass on, and I maintain the town as per usual. Although, a couple people have gone missing -- and sorry to say, I do not quite know who they are or when they were here. I hear this is the case with many other people in the town. I cleaned Master Valinea's bed that morning not sure why she had chosen such a big bed for herself, but perhaps it's a matter of preference. She did seem a little more forlorn than her usual self.

I will not miss whoever was here and no longer is...

In other news, I've taken up some interest in the art of trinketry. I am usually not one to brag, but I seem to be picking up new things as I used to do back in the day. Perhaps in the future I can learn some Magic as well? Uhuhu...well, only time can tell. There is a lot of things I want to do...

Well, I am still looking for a hole to be filled somewhere I am not entirely sure of, but that should not be a problem. Hopefully.

D'armore espaz todia in soleaz recedon.

4/29/2014

Dear Master Charlovet,

Have you ever wondered what it was like to be me when I was a child? I feel like my childhood seemed so much simpler then what I had become. But then again, which person hadn't felt that way like as adults? Still, there are other things I envied about being a child -- one of them was the obligation to become obedient, to learn how to listen and follow orders. My childhood was squandered for reasons unknown, but it was, at the time, what worked for me.

It tasted like iron...the childhood of mine. Sometimes I wish I could go back to it, but it's so base... so rudimentary.

I'm presented with a double edged sword -- both ends strike me in the heart and give me the pleasure I need -- yes! But one is so profane, I cannot take it without the fear of the sin it brings -- the consequences are of no laughing matter.

I need control. I need it all. Yes... put me on your leash, Master. I'm yours to command.

The masters here do not understand what they're missing -- what we had together. It's true, master Lionel had returned to town. At one point, I had hoped he understood me, but perhaps not. Perhaps I need to make an example for people to understand what I need... maybe sometime I will, but I'll be sure to be graceful about it.
I don't like to leave a mess where I go.

5/5/2014
Dear Master Charlovet,

There's something quite satisfying about the way pieces of cloth can be so gracefully fit together and worn so that it flows with every curve of the body. I sometimes wish I could have been able to don a dress other than my statement of devotion to you as your servant, though perhaps that is an opportunity long lost -- one even the gods could not give me if they wanted to. What dress do you think I would look best in? Do you prefer the dresses that flow? The short and bouncing skirts? Or are you, master, so yearning that you would wish for the most minimalist dress... something quite showy? I would say I would wear anything for you, Master. You know that quite well, uhuhu...

Then perhaps we shall dance together, in the great ballroom of the manor while it rains and only the moonlight and lightning brings us the light we need... It sounds so pleasant...so relaxing...so dreamlike. There is a lot I wish to do for you, but I'm afraid I'm too far out of reach... I can only hold out my paw to the sky and hope that one day I can catch a raindrop that may wash me away to where I need to be. Well, for now, that place may be here... though, I still yearn for something -- or someone that commands like you and gives me something a little more.

One, Two, Three...
One, Two, Three...
One, Two, Three...
One, Two, Three...Four...

Hameseria bailetaramen undesta re yuvea...

5/13/2014

Dear Master Charlovet,

I...I am for once, quite fearful of something here that I haven't been in such a long time. It is them...they who know exactly everything I've done. I...I am not sure if I'll be able to keep anything I have anymore. Everything will be taken from me. All of it...

They would never forgive me for what I've done, so that's why I ran.

They know everything. All of the blood that's been spilled...all of the sinful things I've done. Master, please help me, I beg of you...

Please help me...

5/27/2014

Dear Master Charlovet,

The darkness is so appealing to me. It holds so many secrets safe and secure, just like how I felt being within your grasp. I don't oppose the light -- it is a staple to many people's societies, but I feel like the darkness has so much more to offer. So much more peace...so much more space... so much... love.
Pure love that takes its indulgence to the furthest intent. Love is indeed dark, and sometimes, quite sinful, as I.

Yes, I am quite the sinful little rabbit, and I am well aware. But the darkness has always told me that sin isn't the worse thing to worry about in the world. After all, know one needs to know what I've done -- and if they do, what is there to stop me for something I've done elsewhere? This is a society where present takes precedence... I try to live now with the understanding that you will not be by my side except in spirit. Your command is so far-reaching into this world, that I hope that one day, someone like you will keep my paranoia in check.
There is so much to desire, Master...please, stay by my side.

6/2/2014

Dear Master Charlovet,

I'm curious. At what point in time did I become a Lover rather than a plaything to you? It seems like days just flew by when it seemed like I offered to ease some of your dissatisfaction... your little desires. I wish I knew personally why it turned out the way it did -- why sin was committed but, so blissfully ignored out of the pleasure that we shared.

What more was there to ask for? I'm sure I was more than welcome to provided. You didn't show any disappointment, Master.

But now, I offer my humble services to someone. He is an alchemist, just like you. I wish to learn more about him, and I offer the warmth of my bosom unto him. I've not felt this way in a while...the desire and eagerness to be a thing of test for a curious man. He's quite a sweet soul, just like you...

Mmm.... I want to see where dis will go, but only time will tell.

6/11/2014
Dear Master Charlovet,

Can you hear that? That beating noise? For once, it isn't the sound of beating hearts that I've torn out in my uncontrolled craze, but my own. I sometimes forget that it even exists when I think too intensely on trying to control myself.

Master, tell me... You believe in second chances, do you? Sometimes I wonder if I was really meant to be given one myself, but I only have you to thank me for it. My existence has been centered around everything you've given me and now I only want to see you wherever there is control that I seek so dearly. There are things even I cannot learn, I fear, without the hand to guide me.

The darkness is so soothing, and I find myself covered so warmly in my blanket of sin that weaves itself day after day. Master, are you proud of me for giving pleasure where it was due? I sometimes feel like my trust does have limits -- that was tested for sure, but in the end, I am serving someone as I can. Perhaps my duties in some ends are not as bad as others thing. They do not see my shamelessness in my actions the way I do.

That feeling of sin -- to be able to pull hearts towards me whenever I show up... I am truly a mistress of temptation. I feel that is something I may never clean up, and you were to bear witness to that yourself, Master. If it began stained, there is truly nothing to clean in the end, is there? That is something I love to think...you made me feel in control where I thought I had none.

Thank you, day and day again.

6/17/2014
Dear Master Charlovet,

I continue to blur the line of black and white as I travel the darkness day by day. Even the gods can be struck down if we've got the right tools -- so perhaps I shouldn't fear them. If there was any fear I had, it was not being able to protect myself should they come for me and my sinful life.

And even in that regard, what can they do? Hehe... I want to think myself indestructible, but even that cannot be done.

My worries are melting away, and I see you in him... he wants to take me on a journey somewhere, and I only wish to follow him. I will not question, but I'll do as I am asked. After all, it looks as if he wants to take me in. I'll enjoy it.

Master, am I doing you a favor...?