Sayo's Journal

Phew.


This thing. I haven't written in one of these in ages. Last time was when I swore back in middle school. To make note of all the good things that happened to me. Its a shame I gave up halfway.. all I ever did was update in full over a course of months-- a year.. Eh. 

This place isn't too bad. If I'd found this earlier I would have started writing in it non-stop but its a god-send either way-- I might be able to talk to myself through this without looking like an idiot in front of everyone else. Let's start with all the interesting things that had happened while I was here. Well...

1. Woke up naked in the dirt. Am a cat thing now.
2. Some deer thing tried to get too friendly with me. 
<he's not that bad tho.. I mean.. I really should have given him a better chance-- we have to work together as a team and all and-- gah.. how do I do this even while I'm writing stuff down?!>
3.Vali-san is a cool knight guy. On the first day a fight almost broke out and the deer Ymir-san got shot several times.. I think by Reiko-san.
4.Komali-chan is a cat thing like me. She was actually a cat when she was alive too apparently.... <adbaksdnadasbafkfasf -Incomprehensible Japanese text-> That Illium person.. a cat would be fine too? Technically we're all animals but not even of the same breed! omgwtf.
4. 5. Shit, this happened before the previous number. Fuck. Well Ymir-san made me clothes after Reiko-san made weird looks at me. Shizue-senpai seemed a little bothered too... that was sure scary.. I don't even know why.
6. I lost in battle. Maybe its because I couldn't get a gun. If only I hadn't slept so long I could have been out getting better equipment. Woke up in-- [Incomprehensible letters intensify]

-End first log-

Huh.

<He's an idiot. A big fucking idiot.>

That is all.
I'm heading to bed.



-END journal log-

Heh.

It has been a lot of fun recently in camp. Especially that day when the bath house opened up-- Komali-chan and I had some nice bonding time. Though I sort of regret just kicking Reiko-san into the bath like that, she didn't die so... I'm still not sorry~ Its been ages since I've last went out of camp to like gather or whatever... Komali-chan didn't even mention of what she thought about the jerky.. Guess it wasn't all that good or maybe its just that animals could just eat for the sake of eating.

On the topic on Lionel though. Trace did a number on him so he'll be more likely to act properly. The whole three-way charade will not be needed any further but perhaps I could have scared him off a little too hard. Led to that damned deer almost blasting me dead, thankfully Shizue-senpai came to my rescue. I vaguely remember being carried into bed then but at the same time I didn't feel like was asleep at all when I knew I was.. its kind of hard to explain and even I can't figure it out...

Rou-san's finally turning around though I still kind of look down on her for being in such a twisted relationship and categorizing that as 'love'. Pfft. If we actually stayed dead I swear to god that Shizue-senpai would be long gone by now. Of course that cow is nothing subtle and Reiko-san might just kill her too.. It'll be so tragic if that happened to be the case.Anyhow, we kicked her shadow to the curb and its just damage control for her now.. I just wish her and that damned deer would stop interfering and try to actually read the situation instead of doing whatever the hell they want... they don't know whats best for Saber-chan. They might not understand me but I think I'm doing something right here...

I want to see Trace again. Mysterious characters are always the hardest to nab~ Maybe I'll unlock some sort of perk if I'm successful...hehehe.. Trace~ <3

-END journal log-

I'm not feeling ill or anything, baka!

Hmph. I've been having really weird dreams lately. None of them make sense and I can remember small glimpses of what's actually happening... But just in case my last will and testament shall be made here. But since I don't really own anything besides the clothes off my back, <That the damned deer made.. I wish someone else where around to make more underwear at least!> my glasses, and my scarf.. well.. I'll get to that later.

I just have a really /really/ big hunch that I'll be out like a light for god knows how long. During our last gather I can't even remember getting back to camp.. I feel fucking terrible for that. But it can't be helped and I'm not writing any apologies for any of you--! Anyone who has been reading my journal somehow and taking peeks, FUCK YOU. If I ever I find out who's been lurking though my pages I'll fucking murder em'. I don't give a damn about Trace or the grave shocks, or... I'm just totally rambling now.. but I'm serious. Okay, I'll give you one last chance you fucker. Put down this book right now and leave forever or by the time I come back.. Oh I don't know how I'll pull it off but I'LL JUST KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Ah, I'll just ask Trace to deliver some justice for me instead~

Shit.. my head's all weird. I gotta make this fast.

Lionel. I'm counting on you. I don't know how long I'll be out but I'm trusting my precious thing to you in hopes for your success. By the time I'm back I hope you would have ridden the train through the valley<GET IT CAUSE. VALI.. V- asbfkansfsaasfll>

.... Even if you end up hating it, that'll be okay.. if I don't disappear outright I hope even you just remember me when I wake up. I better just do it already before it's too late.. <PUT DOWN THE PEN SAYO. BAKABAKABAKA...>

-END journal log-

...I'm lying awake in Ojou-sama's room as I write this.. my dreams have settled down-- even more so comparing to the one night I had stayed at the Shrine Maiden's temple. I'll have to say my thanks when I see her again, I did say it was just to try out at first so I don't think she'll be too upset. How do I say it.. it's just different. There seems to be a certain boundary between Miko-san and I that I can't figure out, my dreams are more palatable but nightmares still.. 

Thanks to that I could paint a clearer picture, of that better vision that had accompanied my sleep. First it was only a shadow, I could feel the warming air of the battlefield overhead-- a restrained excitement in his eyes. Just by looking at him I felt invigorated in the same manner, courage was swelling up in my chest to the point that I was afraid I would just burst. It was hard to figure out for sure but the silhouette was of a knight. His darkened figure contrasted over the sunrise he was standing over. 


On that hillside.. just what was he looking out to?


I've got a lot of things to think over... but I'm sure now what I must do, and I must do it soon.. Lady Beatrix has quickly made me develop a soft spot for her-- her archetype was totally nothing new but.. still I felt that I needed to do what I did. I look forward to hearing more of her stories.. I want to be her friend.. and I want to be needed.

My god, its been over 12 hours already?!

Sheesh. Its never took this long to get all those side quests out of the way on the computer-- kinda pissing me off to be honest, I think I should take a break. Well I technically am since I'm writing this all down in the journal, idiot. Don't call me an idiot, you're an idiot! 

Exactly. :"3c

Damn it. :/

Sigh. Well, things have been turning around a little-- I've finally taken my hand to crafting and well.. other things. Lionel, you're going to do great, I just know it. I'd totally like to make it to their eventual wedding but I seriously don't have anything but these shitty clothes to wear. I really want a new look to be honest, its beginning to feel rather stale which is weird cause I normally just don't give a damn about how I look.... Hopefully he can do me a solid and name their kid after me or something-- PFFT. <What the hell Sayo, that's totally going against what you told him--! Dummy!> 

I have to make it up to the princess. It must be awkward for her, using her like that. I feel sort of guilty, but in a way I'm not. Thankful, more than anything.... Also.. that damned deer. I thought he was gone for good but alas, I guess I'll have to make dues with him-- he said it himself after all so.. who am I to stop him?

I hope he likes the character I made him...

The meditation. It's not working... It's not helping.. 

It's hasn't been working. Over the past few days I've met some new people. Travis being one of the more important characters of the bunch. He's an alchemist. I heard from Lionel the other day that I should get some help from him to get rid of my sleeping problems, well at least help reduce them. Well yeah, I met him the other day and he suggested I do so with no success on my part. I found him the next day and I had him run me through it-- lucid dreaming. I've read some articles online about some seriously scary shit with that. Losing connection with your own body being lost in the astral plane and never waking up. I would definitely not want that to happen so I was hesitant at best when he told me to try it. 

But hey it... kind of worked?


I was scared to be honest of what would happen. Being the dreams, as horrific as they were.. I didn't exactly want to jump straight into one just to try  to control it. God knows what could happen in there... my pen feels shaky just from thinking about it.. [Some random scribble marks as if the ink was running out]

Travis was there and he tried to pull me back from my nightmares, his touch.. it wasn't in that romantic sense but I felt like I was safe just by him, heck someone being there. It was like I was on top of a skyscraper, that is.. when my dreams started to turn for better. I was watching a child cross the street with her mother. She was small, cute.. looked no more than 5 years old but she was running around rather happily until she had accidentally let go of the red balloon she had been holding onto. She reached out for it, even jumped on her little bitty toes but her mother pulled her as the cross light turns... with futility she looked up at it rising up above. Interestingly enough it reached high enough to a point from my skyscraper view to grab it myself. I couldn't. I felt my hands move physically but I couldn't grab it. And suddenly I felt just as sad as that little girl.

His touch disappeared. My connection was gone. I think that was why it turned for worse. The pain resurfaced in my chest-- like I'd been beaten raw from the inside with a bat. I didn't feel like I was in my own body anymore-- still stuck in that skyscraper view. I could not see my body but in the real world there was a needle like sensation sticking on my skin.. uncomfortable, feverish.. I just can't explain it. Last thing I remember is Travis waking me back up. I caught a glimpse of something that could have been related to him. A vial. A tragic feeling. Like a bitter ending to a drama... 

I didn't intrude anymore into it. There are some lines I just won't cross at the wrong time. Even I'm not stupid enough to do that. Beyond Travis I'd also come to talk to Sirocco. I overheard him singing by the lake and with his own little thing called the Aurora of Truth. It was strange for someone with a back story of his to make that song-- what was with that title-- he definitely had no talent for naming things... or cooking.. He showed it to me and I was right. Some dark undertones you got there. But in the end I kind of convinced him to make more songs in the face of a happier life in camp... as he should have been doing. Oh and I forgave him. I thought that would help.

Bey is a little cutie. She looks a little older than the princess but I'd sure like to get to know her a little better. A nice looking fox girl I finally got to officially meet at the lake. Then there was.... that angel. Just thinking about him.. makes my blood fucking boil. He had the nerve to say all that "everything is pointless" shit on me. He just doesn't get it. Don't pity them. If anything don't pity me. I don't need your shitty sympathy. You can be as unhappy as you want but don't drag us along with you, you shitty angel.

...Ymir though.. he had the decency of trying to cheer me up. You need a hug? Hahaha, what a weird fellow. First tries to kill me then tries to be all friendly. I don't dislike him~ When I see him again we have to try watching some Monty Python at least.. If it's even possible.. ah and there was a little package in the front of my door. I think it was my request to the maid.. new clothes. I still haven't checked it out and it's just sitting in the corner but I think I'll catch some more sleep with the princess.. she hasn't woken up in a while.. I miss her.

It's ironic how the last journal entry has blanks now too. Is it the sleep? Just what's causing me to forget? I know I'm missing something. I can't tell what it is. There's no way of possibly knowing.. just as Exe said. It is better if I didn't know. Perhaps it's for my own good. But I know simply because I am too well aware of loss to not notice it at all. Meh. There's no point in being overly sentimental about it. Thinking about the loss this time, why it just makes me feel like a petty human being. 

No. That isn't right. I'm not a human being. I'm a cat person.. thing. A petty thing. That is the existence of Sayo Tsukihara. [Scribble marks made out of frustration which slightly pass over her name]. My sleep's still been terrible. I haven't seen the doc in a while and I /really/ think I'm well overdue for another check up, a second opinion.. in fact I've started sleeping on the roof not too long ago. I hate to be in that room. It's too large, too empty, too much space for me.

Routier.. I've started to learn a little more about her. She's one hell of a kisser, that's for sure. Poor Reiko, poor Shizue.. they have my respect. So much you can learn from someone when they're drunk. I don't even think she remembers anything at all. Not that it matters... What else... Oh. She's an idol, parent neglect, starves for attention-- doesn't like it being stolen from her.. which is a shame cause my transformations are hella fabulous. Well.. I think that's all for now... guess I'll.. just stay here on the roof..

I've been lazing about the camp for a while now. Well.. not necessarily just lying around being useless.. nothing's been going on recently. Though I think it was about a week ago I hung out with Lionel for a good while. Not only is he good at racing flying brooms but he can ride a mean go-kart if he needs too~ I think I'm just done offering help... with him at least. He told me about the whole marriage thing with Vali-san and I brilliantly remembered the loophole that was within the confines of the religion my parents were involved in, including me as well.. I suppose.

I think I could have wed them. It could have worked. It could have been fun. Then again, Lionel and her would have questioned and found it strange a woman was ever granted that right in a Christian religion. [Scribble marks] It was worth a try. And if it means he found a better way and with the traditional method he wanted, good for him. Good for you, Lionel. Though with that in mind.. it makes me think back to that time. A long time after I'd gotten sick and a much much longer time after I've lost my parents, I decided to dig up some knowledge on just what being a Jehovah's witness was about. And let me tell you, you-- whoever may be reading this.. I don't even care anymore.. that being involved with those people was the worst decision they ever made. 


Along with being part of that sect comes a plethora of unpleasant things. I was young when it began, even before I had gotten into stretchy lengths of time of being sickly and bedridden. For a time they were happy with what they had preached, gladly fulfilling their quota of door to door invitations to hear about their Lord and Savior. I had no birthdays. I could not celebrate any sort of holiday that has no involvement with the sect or associate with certain people.... though there was this one little secret I kept. 

None of my friends knew. 

And my parents knew nothing about the friends that I had... they always thought I had no friends at all since the religion itself wasn't exactly looked at with open enthusiasm. My friends didn't abandon me. I abandoned them. I couldn't tell them. I couldn't tell my parents. I couldn't afford to upset them. After all they have been through for me.. I just couldn't. Obviously they were upset when I came back, those that were still there ignored me..and I could only blame myself for it...

I need a walk.