Kiraka's Book of Horrors

Now that I think about it, I don't really know how I got here. I just remember fire. Everyone else seems to have remembered a lot. These claws are incredibly unhandy, how I'm writing I don't know but these... things look like they'd belong in my old room, not attached to the ends of my arms. I've accidentally cut myself with them.... 25 times,  wait, no 26 times now, ow. It smarts, no doubt.

My memories are coming back to me in oozing chunks and my head hurts more now. Did I die? I don't remember dying. I remember burning, and for a long time, but I don't really remember a definite moment where I died. I should have just stayed quiet about my moral concerns. I was lucky to be given a second chance in a new life, I certainly don't deserve it, and those smoky black creatures are giving me weird looks. I bit one the other day, it tastes awful. Why did I even bite it? It could have been poisonous or something and then how would I go for a nap?
What if I ate something poisonous before and now I'm just dreaming, thinking about how I ate a poisonous thing?

Sure, it seems plenty real enough but that doesn't mean shit if I've been out cold for a while. The sand I landed face-first in tasted real enough, and the giant crabs that didn't try to eat me looked real enough. Don't tell 'em I said this but they looked fairly strange. They made good resting places though, their shells were warm from the sunlight.
The crabs didn't seem to mind so I'm going to call them my friends, and they can be a source of entertainment if such a thing is necessitated. These new claws are harder than theirs are, surprisingly, and it wasn't long before we stated that I wasn't a force to be disturbed.
Either way, I slept on their back until dark.

I'm getting a lot hungrier than I'm used to, what am I doing, burning the food? I found a really big fish in the water and caught it, it bit me but I'm ok, and then I had to wrestle it off of Frankie and Nigel (my two best crab buds,) and we ended up tearing the fish. I was clearly hungrier than they were, although I don't think I would have ate it all. Weirdly, I don't mind eating the fish raw and it hasn't upset my body, so I think finding food might be easier here.

I had totally gone back to sleep with the crabs after that, and managed to stay on Frank's shell the whole night. It was pretty impressive if I do say so myself. I woke up again in the morning and felt totally weird, like I could run 10 marathons and still keep running. I managed to run along the entire beachfront without breaking a sweat. I couldn't really think clearly though and probably said some things to Nigel I didn't mean to say. He's in a bad mood at the minute, and I tried apologising but crabs don't even speak English so I don't know. Do crabs even speak at all?

I said goodbye to the gang later that morning, I think Nigel got over what I said, good ol' Nigel, and set off in search of some place where I could crash without burdening the crabs. They might just be crabs, but they're nice crabs. 
I found this uh... building? The people that showed up later said it was called a pavillion, but to me it's where I spent that night. I'm glad it didn't rain, and the fire was toasty. Crab shells are only warm from the sunlight and they aren't comfortable, but this wasn't bad.

People started showing up later and they indirectly helped me figure out why I'm here. Whoever this Goddess is, is pretty generous to have given me a second chance. I have no idea why it'd be me, though. Maybe she felt bad because of my delayed way to go.
Do Goddesses feel bad for people?
I didn't even know they were real.
Goddess, whoever you are, please don't read that bit there.
I just punctured the paper.

This pencil is gonna break soon I think, but this writing is helping me think. My head's been fuzzy all day and I've wanted to do things I shouldn't be. I've been talking too much I think.
I'm just glad the people were nice, one even made a fish and let me have some, and then this kind lion man who said he's a Sir made tea! Like, I didn't think Sirs made tea, I thought they were all clad in armour and ate at round tables and the like. I wonder if he owns a round table. I liked his mane, I've always wanted to feel a lion's mane, but I don't think anyone would let me with the scissorhands.

I wonder if I'll have to change bedding a lot. My clothes are scratched to pieces, I've tried to put them together but there's only so much I can do. The jeans I came in are in tatters, it's not good...
Maybe I'll meet someone who fixes clothes? That would be handy, though I bet they'd make a killing offa' me.
I met a shrine maiden today, she seemed nice, and I met a detective. Normally it's a nun and a nurse joke, but there's no nurse, just a detective, and the shrine maiden isn't really a nun either. I'll have to write a joke about that at some point, maybe they'd find it funny. Probably not. But it's worth a shot, right?

I think that's gonna be the end of this page, the pencil's about t-. - ..

Wait, wait, I found another pencil. Good thing I kept one spare this time, huh? I almost forgot about it.

You know, I can't remember last week at all. This week's hazy as well, but I do remember some stuff. That person, the one who works at the forge... Routier was it? Yeah Routier, she made me a really great sword that does a lot of damage now. It's so shiny and he'll be my friend now. Should I call him Keith? Maybe Keith. I'll have to ask him later.

We had a pretty fun night with truth or dare, I wish it had lasted longer. I didn't get drunk or anything, but I mean, it was my first time consuming alcohol, ever, and I don't need to get drunk with it. I did feel somewhat buzzed after a few drinks though, is that what drunkenness feels like? It's not what it looks like, at all...
Lionel took off his shirt because he couldn't answer the question and that was kinda cool. I've never seen what a man looks like other than the face, until then. So many life experiences in just one game. We should play it again. But it should last longer next time. 

--=-=-=-=====-====--=--=-ng urges.
Oh whoops, I tore the paper. Oh well, who's going be reading this anyway? It's like a diary, though I've never kept one until now. Recording my thoughts has always felt somewhat redundant.
I've also been getting hungrier as of late, I had to stop myself from clearing out the fridge, too. I burnt my bacon today as well, apparently it's a recipe for something. I bet it'd taste good.
That Komali cat person stole my beef today, but it's ok, I don't think she's feeling well. She's been holed up in her house a lot. I wonder what her house looks like.

We're making some kind of shelter for this Trace person. I haven't met them yet, I DID meet that Reiko person though, they seem as cool as everyone said they were. Again, more experiences.
So yeah we were making this shelter thingy, and we were using imagination or something like that. I'm not sure, the places just felt better and better every time I went there, as though I could be motivated more if I stayed there. Weirdly, when I came out, I felt somewhat drained. Strange.

There's some kind of big upset invasion coming, according to what the watchtower indicates. I hate upsets. If it wasn't bad enough they're everywhere, annoying everyone, trying to kill everyone and looking out of place, they also have the nerve to taste bad! 

I forgot to mention, I saw a big flash of light the other day, I don't know what it was, but it was probably good.

I don't think I've got any more stuff to write down at the minute, and the pencil's beginning to brea#

Another journal entry. Why am I doing this? It's not dissimilar to self-psychoanalysis when you think about it. I'm evaluating my feelings, thoughts and actions by doing so. Maybe I'll even find out something more about me. 
I'm finding out something I'd rather not know - my old thoughts are resurfacing and in an environment like this I can't be doing with it. There's no warm bodies here for me to pull apart, no heretics to disembowel, not even the soothing warmth of fresh blood to sate my previous desires. I think I may even be beginning to hallucinate.
This isn't normal, is it? The others do an amazing job of hiding if it if is.

It can't be standard, though. It seems too odd. Far too odd. I need to dig my fingers into some innards or something similar to it, the urges are building again with nowhere to go. The upsets don't even sate the need, their blood isn't warm, their bodies aren't flesh, and it's becoming increasingly hard to hold back now.

But enough of that, I'm not going to spill my guts to whoever may get their hands on this journal. That, and it's making me uncomfortable to think about. This is why I left the cult, or tried to.
The upsets decided to try and invade our base, and were thwarted overnight. To think all those upsets that we saw from the watchtower died... it gives me great pleasure.
Again, perhaps too much.

I discovered where the training grounds lie, and it's a great feeling to finally have something humanoid to sink my blade into. Whilst it's nowhere near as pleasant as a real body, I need to break the urges that hold me so fervently. I feel bad for cleanup, however. Have they considered making the dummies more realistic? I'd greatly appreciate that.
I met Lionel at the training grounds, and he offered to teach me some techniques, though we never got round to it. I think he must have been tired, he seemed tired, and left without a word.
That's somewhat disappointing, but alas, as long as I hit my target I'm content. In fact, I relish in it.

That Komali... cat... person, is supposedly feeling better, though I haven't seen them. They were looking quite bloated last time I saw them and they had all the signs... of being pregnant? I've been taught about it, but never the full process. Isn't the carry term somewhere around 9 months? Such a large swell in size so swiftly must have been awful. I do hope she's ok, because despite our disagreements previously I'd not wish her harm. Of course, I'd like to see the children, as I've never met one that young. All my... clients, were at least 10 years old. It never really felt weird to be killing someone the same age as me or older, but that never occurred to me to feel weird until now.
I wonder what a baby looks like. They can't be as painted, can they? Vanity is such a liar when it comes to paintings, and it stains history with its coverings. I'm sure most painted people don't look anywhere near as nice as illustrated.

Speaking of the arts, I'm considering beginning to sing again. I know I didn't really put much effort into it, but it relaxed me, and I'd like to think it relaxed my previous victims. It probably didn't, after all, there's only so much that can calm you mid-gutting, but if it brought them any relief from my crimes against them then I myself would feel better. Of course, why do I deserve to feel better?

To be honest, I think I just need a really long bath. It's apparently incredibly hard to keep clean when one sweats through fur, after all, the two were never intended to work together, based on the fact that various furry animals don't sweat, and humans don't have sufficient hair for it to be called fur.
When was the last time I went for a bath, I wonder? I hope it'd be alright if I went for one. I used to have them a lot, blood stains otherwise, but I never really took enjoyment in them unless I had been incredibly messy.
Then of course, it was more a time for reflection as my morals developed further and I could never really enjoy it.

I can't really think of anything to to write, but I feel... cleaner. Like a weight is being eased off of my shoulders. It's not off of them, but something else is taking the weight and it promises me release from the burden.
I'm growing used to the claws now, maybe one day I'll even be able to hold soft things with them and not leave a mark. That may happen soon, who knows?

Speaking of soft things, Routier wasn't feeling too well. I spent a little while getting her some water, talking, getting her carrots, and leaving her door open. That was fun. I hope I didn't scratch their floor, that wouldn't be cool.

Journal entry for this week, complete.

Ack, that feeling's growing stronger. The shrine has been clearing my head, but it only works for so much and I fear time's running out. If only I could just dig my claws into something... feel the pulsing warmth of its lifeforce eb away in my grasp... before coming to the cold and steady stop that I crave so. Just thinking about it makes me giddy, so giddy. It's practically giving me the jitters, heehee~!
But who would work with it? Most of the people here could apparently kill me without a hitch, such a wasted opportunity. And picking on someone who can't fight back isn't as satisfying, that's why I had my victims only tied down lightly. Sigh. But after all, anticipation is half the joy of it.
The other half is finishing it~!

Now, enough of that. If I fritter away my journal pages on my own decreasing psyche, then I won't have a chance to reflect on the other things and daily life is the only thing keeping me ticking. Once that ticking stops, blood will be shed, and I'm just hoping it's not the blood of one of us, we've endured enough as it, right? Right? Surely, we'll get peace now.
We just killed a god, after all. Oh yeah, I always thought gods were immortal, until now. It was a hard-won battle, and my sword tasted blood. I shouldn't have cleaned it off so soon, it might have actually been useful to stall the inevitable.
I'm envious of my sword. It got to taste the blood of the gods, literally. Something only the past me could have ever dreamed of. Maybe it could have bestowed some kind of blessing, who knows. I should have asked him whilst he was down, but manners, something so trivial, stopped me. How awful.

Anyway, the god in question was a man named Vannoth, and though he seemed somewhat stringent at first, I soon grew to like him. I almost regret taking part in his subduing, but it was necessary, and thus it must be done. Apparently, he's Trace's real father. I also met Trace, and Yulian, the two statues from the shrine, in the flesh. Honestly, there didn't seem anything god-like about either of them, which is somewhat disappointing. I was raised to believe gods were fearsome and had an aura which could fry a mortal's brains so thoroughly that it would drip from their ears.
Now, I'm not sure if it's whether blood can't flow upwards naturally, or whether such an aura didn't exist within these two, but I couldn't feel blood. Just the heat of battle and the cold, yet welcoming feeling of bloodshed.
It's the kind of cold you can't warm up. No amount of fire, no number of blankets, hot teacups, bedsheets or hugs can release you from its grasp. But it just seeks companionship, and as soon as you embrace it, it becomes something so tender, so gentle, so comforting.
But all I've felt is cold, as of late. I haven't abandoned my sole companion in turn for others, have I?

Before we fought Yulian, we fought some kind of large plant, though I don't think I got to. But I don't mind, because vegetables taste awful, especially wild ones, and I wouldn't wish such a fate on my weapon. Just thinking about such an overwhelming taste of chlorophyll makes me ill.

I did enjoy myself on the voyage, though. Having never seen a boat, let alone rode one, I was thoroughly surprised by the experience. I'll admit, it was disorientating at first, and I fell over once or twice, I wasn't nearly as sick as poor Lionel. I wonder what triggers seasickness. Perhaps it's the motion?
Somehow, I regret it not being an ocean-faring boat. I've heard tales of sailors from all over, the cruelty of the waves some days and the beautiful calmness of it other days. They speak of it as though it has a mind of its own. Perhaps it does?
I'm very sure some of our own were in fact ocean-faring. I've heard many rumours of our brethren raiding villages, shrines, towns and even cities.
I wonder... if there other dimensions, maybe the Omnium Nostrum exists within such places as well. Who knows? I'm very curious, but I doubt anyone here has met them. Maybe Sir Lionel slew some in his conquests?

Speaking of shrines, in exchange for the local shrine to bear my presence, I've began to help the shrine maiden... Tsuzune, was it?
Cleaning works well to take my mind off of it, but you can't clean constantly. It's all going to go downhill eventually, I'm just waiting for the day, with both anticipation and dread.

I just shrugged, I'm getting too far into these journal entries. I'll add more when I can think of more to write, I'm sure.

A lot of time for thinking this time around. We've done nothing of importance. My levels of social interaction were entirely minimal. Maybe it's for the best. Or maybe I should be surrounding myself with people in hopes that I can abate the inevitable. Decisions, decisions, decisisiosns, decisions, decisons, desperations, decisions, darkening, decisions, so many to make...

I'm feeling more alive! tired as of late, colder too, no matter how much I curl up it's just not going away stop resisting, the fire isn't providing the warmth it once used to they burned you, I wonder if anybody has noticed. Probably not why would they, it's not like I generally interact anywhere near as much as I should.
So many new things have been added to the town as of late embrace me Kiraka, it's hard to keep up with it. First the swimming pool, and then I noticed the stage it's so warm in here K, Routier was singing on it. It was really fresh bodies are waiting for us upbeat~, and she also said she had been famous in her past life. It must have been really just think of all the potential cleansing cool, though she didn't it's giving me shivers think so, apparently.

I was introduced to... Averia, was it? I thanked her for saving me why would anybody do that and I was also talking to Tsuzune and then they were... showing off(?) their ability to manipulate darkness the best darkness exists in the blackened colour of congealed blood hAHAaHAHahAHAaahAAHAA and they were also doing it with light as well, it was blinding pretty cool, though who the fuck needs light it was awfully bright and maybe even unnecessary? I ended up telling Tsuzune about what sunglasses were, too, I was surprised she didn't know, but I don't even know what time period she comes from, so...

Hmm... what else happened... oh yeah, I spoke to Shizue, apparently Tsuzune has been telling her that her failure is going to get everyone killed good, which is way too harsh in my opinion. Maybe I could ask Tsuzune to stop saying that to her whilst you're at it, take her out, I tried comforting her but I don't think it really worked. Maybe I'm not a comforting person to be around gee I wonder why?

Tsuzune also did a meteory-thing what a show off, and it was really loud and stuff but there was no impact zone or anything. She said it's what happens when you achieve "balance". I've never really been a balanced person the only thing you've ever been able to balance is a well-made blade, is that a bad thing? I don't think I ever will be. There's too much weight on my conscience too much blood on your hands in order for me to try and accept the light the light doesn't want you either. I don't mind, but I really wish I could just actually make an impact when it comes to fighting upsets. It feels like my sword does nothing to them, and whilst I see the wounds I don't see them suffering from it see you want them to suffer, and I'm finding myself moreso useless than necessary. 

Maybe people don't want to be around me I can't blame them and that's why I'm having trouble socialising. I mean, I walk around the town every day, regardless of what people have seen, and I don't even run into people half of the time you only need me, dear K~.
stop suppressing me That could just be me being paranoid, you're going to hurt yourself though, you're going to hurt me it wouldn't be the first time I've assumed something wrongly just let me out, and it probably won't be the last time either let's run wild together. I think I'm done writing this just you, me and the bodies entry, I feel like I'm babbling.
I just hope this feeling it's me goes away, I'm not going to because the sickening uneasiness that comes I'll see you soon, dearest K. with it is just too much...

Writing this journal entry, I feel better. I still feel guilty, but the sickening pressure that was clouding my head is beginning to fade. I can finally think clearly without the pure presence of the shrine.
I have Tsuzune to thank for this. I confessed to her. I don't know why, I really don't. I felt... compelled to do so. And whilst I'm glad that the smog is gone from my mind, I fear the contents of it have 'leaked out'.
I'm beginning to hear things, now. Whisperings, giggles, and I know it's not somebody from town because I can't smell them nearby. I just smell something cold and damp. There's also a hint of bile on the scent, and whilst not completely offputting, it's getting unnerving. The last time I smelt that was when I perforated a stomach accidentally during one of my earlier cleansings. Nobody in town would have undergone such a thing any time recently, especially in this world. Maybe I'm just going mad, that must be it.

I've started seeing things as of late as well, but never truly seeing them. In the corner of my eye. The shadow passing through my room when there's nobody to cause it. The small figure running across the hallway behind me. It's all beginning to add up now, I'm never alone with these phantasms haunting me.
And whilst I don't mind company, they're not providing me company that I can bring myself to appreciate.
I'd have heard complaints by now if anybody else had been seeing them. So it must just be me.
Maybe my confession released them into the world around me? I hope not. As menacing as upsets can look I don't think they can match up to what I've done in the past.

Hmm. Oh well. Maybe I'll see some more, maybe even get to talk to one. I doubt I'd like the conversation, but if it needs to be had, so be it.

Onto lighter topics now, I think. stop trying to bury us

I saw Routier singing on the stage as well recently. Who knew she could sing? And considering her... body weight, I would have expected a much fuller voice. Oh well.
Apparently she was famous in her past life, an 'idol' or something like that. Didn't even know they were conscious beings, let alone famous singers.
She had some kind of voice amplifier, and it made her singing awfully loud. I don't mind it, I just hadn't really seen something like it before.
Again, different cultures produce different things.

...

I've ran out of things to say this time around. Too little contact with other inhabitants, I know it's my fault, but these shadows have been keeping me prisoner in my own mind.